Letting Go…

Letting go is hard to do…

When I became a mother all I ever focused on was making sure to take the best care of my children. Making sure they were fed, diapers were changed, naps were given and teaching was being taught. As the children became older. The focus became, making sure they became knowledgeable about the world and their surroundings. Now that I have one adult child, another one going off to college a soon to be 11 grader, 9th grader, 7th grader, 3rd grader and 1st grader next school year. It’s beginning to dawn on me they are really growing up. They will essentially all leave the nest one day. Due to most of the children being so close in age I could potentially have a child going off into the world every 2-4 years. My oldest child is already off on his own (Keith) As well, he texted me two nights ago saying he may be moving to Tennessee. Gulp! & Tears My second oldest (Christopher) will soon be going to college in the fall. Again many tears. My once little babies are all growing up on me.

I’ve been a mother longer than I have been an adult. I was a teen parent yes and not for one moment do I regret it. The point is, I don’t know how to be anything else than be a mother. My life has been solely focused on my children. I knew they would grow up but letting go is so hard to do. I tell my sons when they do things that I don’t agree with or when they get in trouble for schoolwork or bending the rules. You have to decide what type of man you want to be… As well what kind of example they want to show to their baby sister. Their actions may some day determine the type of man she may marry. I often hear that my children are good kids, well-mannered with good values and morals. That they are respectful, sweet, kind and hard-workers. It makes me feel good and lets me know that when they do leave. I know they will be able to make it on their own.

I often share my feelings with my husband (their father) and my therapist (long story) about my feelings. They both say the same thing, “It’s time you start finding things that make you happy. Making more time for Nika & Greg.” My response is how? All I ever wanted was to be everything to my children. Something I never had with my parents. All I ever wanted was to love them unconditionally, make my self available to them whenever they needed me. Again something I didn’t have from my parents. My heart doesn’t let me think about being Nika only about being mom. I will always be mom and they will always need me I know. But sending them off into the world is a scary thing to me. Especially since my heart has always belonged to them. Sending them into the world to start their own lives breaks a piece of me with each child that leaves home.


So since this blog is named for me. It features my talents, my children, my family simply my everything. I feel the need to share a fear I have right now. Early this morning around 2:40 am I finished editing my book. Now for those of you who followed my previous blog or who follow my Youtube channels. You know I finished writing my book July 2014 (I started in Feb 2014). Now this book is the first fiction book I’ve written for young adults. Its a short story and soon will lead to a sequel. Do I think it’s good? Well honestly the story line is good I guess I’m not sure if I executed it the way I meant too. I know, negative Nancy! Most writers are. This is the year I told myself to just take a leap on faith and deal with the outcome later.

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Just a back ground on my writing and when I started. I have been writing short short stories, poems and plays at 7-8 years old. It was my way of escaping my painful childhood. However, those stories, plays and poems are locked away in a box. No! I never let anyone read them. Except one which I sent off to a writing contest and it was published in a book. I was like 15 years old.

Anyway, with that being said. I have finished my short fiction novel. For all practical purposes it is ready to be published. I should be happy right? Well when I penned the last sentence, doubts started forming in my mind. I went over the last paragraph like 5 times. Re-writing and re-writing, only to find that the last sentence I wrote I was satisfied with. So send it off to be published you say? I can’t, I just want to lock it away with all the other short stories, poems and plays from my childhood. Case in point I have 4 children’s books that I wrote in 2006-2007 that have yet to be published. In part because of illustration and part due to lack of confidence in myself and my work.

This is my downfall…..