Hello All,
It’s felt so long since I have actually written a heartfelt blog post. With some things that are going on in my life, I felt the need to share some of my thoughts. These thoughts are based on a situation I am dealing with. So let’s go…
As a mother or parent, you will never do anything 100%. Never!! Along the way of raising 7 children, there have been plenty of ups and downs for me. Choices that were made probably weren’t always the best. But I did what I could with the tools and knowledge I had.
There are going to be moments in this life of parenthood that your child may not always feel #1, especially if they are not the only child. You do the best you can and try to make sure each child gets the same attention and love. Along the way you will struggle with discipline issues, you will struggle with hormones from sons and daughters. You may even struggle with more serious issues. Like one of your children being in trouble with the law, behavioral issues, anger issues and even mental health issues. Or possibly you may be one of the lucky few that doesn’t have to deal with any of that.
The one thing I can tell you that I have always dealt with is because me being such a soft-hearted person. My children tend to play on my emotions a great deal. With that being said, I find that I’m always blaming myself for the things that go wrong. I always say to my husband, “there has got to be something I missed along the way.” Or that old adage, “It has to be my fault somehow.” I know I am not the only one out there that does this. My husband has his moments too where he feels he should have done something different.
One thing I have come to realize and understand (with the help of my therapist) is… I can’t always blame myself when children make poor choices. Even as adolescents. I am not that mother who neglects her children, I am not a raging alcoholic, I don’t beat my children. I do find that they have too much freedom and get away with a lot. I did allow my older children much more freedom than some of my younger children. I gave a lot of myself to certain children which is a tad bit of a downfall, believe it or not. The problem with that is when they become adults and you are still doing things for them they should be doing for themselves. The moment you start pulling back to allow them to grow up. Well, in my case disaster strikes. I am the type of person to analyze what is said to me and reflect. Especially when it comes to my kids. From the adult ones to the teens and adolescent ones.
When something is said to you the one thing you don’t know is how when you say or do something, how it will make the child feel. One thing I like to say or do with my children is to let them know that I am sorry if I hurt them. Because that is not my intent. If I don’t show up for an event or miss an event, it’s not because I don’t love or care for them. I do my best to let each and every one of my children know they are loved and cared for.
Often times when kids become adults. They have issues with some of the things you did or didn’t do with them as a child.
Sometimes the issues are warranted sometimes they are not. The biggest issue I am having now with one of my children is getting them to understand that. Trying to make them see that as a mother of 7. I one, always had a toddler or 2 there was always a toddler and baby that needed more care and attention. Not that I intentionally ignored them or didn’t love them the same.
Jesus is this hard,
Sometimes it’s like beating a dead horse. When an adult-child only cares about how they feel and not want to look at your side of the issue. The relationship can get tarnished, especially when that adult-child is being completely disrespectful. Just because they feel as an adult they can do and say what they want. Regardless of you being their parent. In this case, I say there needs to be some sort of separation. If they are still living at home full or part time it may be easier to mend the relationship. However, if they are living outside of the home. The relationship between this adult child and parent may be harder to fix. My advice, there is nothing wrong with a healthy dose of distance. Everyone needs time to think and reflect. After some time has passed trying to mend the relationship needs to be done in a way where neither party will be severely hurt again. If things can’t be mended… well, unfortunately, I don’t know. You will just have to live with it. Will you be wrong as the parent for not continuing to try mending the relationship? In my eyes, NO!! Once that child becomes an adult and they continue to disrespect and purposely hurt you because they feel hurt. I say let it go, maybe down the line, things can be mended. Only time will tell at this point.
Something I want to say to all the parents, soon to be parents or caregivers reading this. Understand that children young and old make choices. Regardless of what their home life is. They still make choices. In my case, I raise my children to be respectable, driven, goal-oriented, so on and so forth. If along the way they choose to do something that turns their life in a bad direction. That is not “My Fault” nor is it yours. I look at the life I had growing up. Boy oh boy was it not the best at all. I did some things I probably shouldn’t have and statistically, I should either be a streetwalker, on drugs or dead.
However, I knew I wanted a better life than the one I had growing up. I knew I wanted better for my children. So I chose to move in the direction to do just that. The same rules apply when raising children and the choices they make. I would say to the parents reading this, never let your children blame you for the poor choices they make in life. If they choose a life of crime or their life isn’t the way they feel it should be. Well, if they want a better life they can have a better life. I hope this helps someone going through the same thing I am going through right now.
~Nika xoxo